Me: I can't stay for "maybe."
Her: Then leave.
Me: Okay.
I left the counselling session and packed a bag.
She's not making this easy for me. This morning I woke up to find an email from her. In last night's counseling session I said that any time she talked about having a kid, she made it sound like this burdensome price that she might be willing to pay to stay with me, never something that she was excited about. That it was the exact opposite of how she acts with something that she wants, but still has serious concerns about (like buying a house); in those situations she acknowledges the difficulties and potential pitfalls, but focuses on the things she's looking forward to.
So this morning I wake up to find an email from her with a list of something like twenty things she'd be looking forward to about having a kid. Remember what I said about my capacity for self-bullshitting? Yeah, it's in full effect here, so I'd really like a dispassionate third party to reinforce or refute the following observations:
1.) Interesting how this comes right after I leave her. Where was any of this for the past month and a half we've been trying to make this work?
2.) Everything in the list was written in the form, "If we have a kid...." If if if. This is still a whole lot of "maybe." Can't stay for maybe.
3.) All of the things she lists are things that can happen when a kid gets to be grade school age or later. This is all still "abstract and far away." This is a continuation of her pattern of acting hopeful when it's abstract and far away, but negative when we start getting down to planning out how we're going to actually make this happen.
Blah. Going to go back to the apartment and pick up some more of my stuff now. She's supposedly off on a 10-mile run this morning so if I'm lucky I'll miss her. I'm not quite ready to deal with anything face-to-face right this second. I know, not exactly manly and Alpha of me, but hell, I'm not trying to have sex with her any more so who am I trying to impress?
Addendum: Ran into her back at the apartment while picking up some stuff. Nuts. Told her, "I read your email. It sounded great. Now change every instance of 'if we have a kid' to 'when we have a kid' and then add another list of twenty things you're doing to get us to that point, and we'll talk. Anything else is just another 'maybe.'"
In retrospect, that was really dumb. I should've kept my stupid mouth shut. I need to remember that I'm not trying to game her any more, just trying to get out of this relationship with a minimum of drama and heartbreak. Stupid. Oh, well. Live and learn.
Addendum: Ran into her back at the apartment while picking up some stuff. Nuts. Told her, "I read your email. It sounded great. Now change every instance of 'if we have a kid' to 'when we have a kid' and then add another list of twenty things you're doing to get us to that point, and we'll talk. Anything else is just another 'maybe.'"
In retrospect, that was really dumb. I should've kept my stupid mouth shut. I need to remember that I'm not trying to game her any more, just trying to get out of this relationship with a minimum of drama and heartbreak. Stupid. Oh, well. Live and learn.
Phew finally. I know it sucks but I think it was always going to go down this way.
ReplyDeleteHer "maybe" = "no".
I'm predicting a possiblity of some kind of dramatic sexual presentation to get her pregnant. Be aware that it's something she'll be trying to do cling to you in that moment. It will be real to her in that moment, but not afterward.
I think you're right, but I'm still glad I gave her the time I did. Now I don't have to wonder what might've been if I'd given it a fair try. Still feels pretty shitty right now, but I think that will make it less shitty in the long run.
DeleteI'm going to try to limit face-to-face contact with her for a while. I have a really hard time seeing her in such pain without trying to make it better, and we all know where that road leads.
Observation #1 really tells you everything you need to know. When she thought you might still stick around, she was (judging by the content of your posts) ambivalent at best about the kids thing. Now that you have physically moved out she's having an "oh shit he's for real" moment and putting out a last ditch effort to draw you back in.
ReplyDeleteI would bet serious money that if you cave now, this will become a pattern. It might play out very slowly, slowly enough that you can both deny that it's happening, but it will play out like this over and over again.
Can you at least test her? Have her babysit a baby for real for a few days? This might be a way for her to finally acknowledge that she is not made for this and let you move on and for you to stop self bullshiting yourself the image of her treating a baby like some burden will never leave your brain. I think part of it is the fact that you are still imagining her growing into it. At this point I think she is lying to herself as much as she is lying to you, YMMV.
ReplyDeleteAnacaona
I normally don't comment on blogs because I figure someone else will probably say what I have to say - or that it isn't a big deal. But neither are the case here.
ReplyDelete1.) Interesting how this comes right after I leave her. Where was any of this for the past month and a half we've been trying to make this work?
Like Tabitha said, she wasn't taking you seriously. This isn't just unsurprising, this is 100% expected. It's a big threat, so it's very plausible that you'd bail - especially if you've had overly beta tendencies in the past.
It doesn't necessarily mean she wouldn't be willing to have kids, it just means that she wasn't going to concede having kids if you would stay with her anyway. It's been clear for a while now that your relationship was on the way to this.
Now you've made it real. Now she's *started* actually thinking about it.
I went through something similar (though not about kids). I spent a couple months of trying to talk to her about an open relationship with zero progress (she said she understood and agreed, but it didn't *feel* okay, and clearly wasn't heading in that direction).
It wasn't about the open relationship, but I wasn't going to be forever monogamous with someone that won't step up and tackle the scary issues, so I broke it off. She started taking it seriously, and we got back together on my terms. Not only is she more than fine with the open relationship part, she has lost weight, become more happy with herself, and generally been a better girlfriend - great success!
However, if at any point I let my game slide during the transition, it would have backslid to where I came from while further cementing my boundaries. It's easier than ever now, but if you let go and coast too early...
I'm not sure if you feel up to it - or if it's even worth it (quite likely that it's not), but it isn't impossible. You do have the power now
The difference is that if she decided she was willing to try an open relationship as the price of being with you, and then later decided that she didn't like it and it wasn't worth it to her, she could always change her mind back with a minimum of consequences. You break up again, you date other people, she (hopefully) finds someone willing to be exclusive, no lasting harm done.
DeleteIf I game her into having a kid and she decides it's a big mistake, that's for life. Even if it were possible, that's not a responsibility I'm prepared to accept.
Good on ya for getting what you wanted out of your relationship (and being prepared to go find it elsewhere if not), but while an ultimatum might be an acceptable way to achieve an open relationship, barring a sudden condom failure during a one-night stand it's one of the shittier ways I can imagine starting a family.
Yep, your stakes are much higher. No doubt about it.
ReplyDeleteIf you can't reliably spot selective thinking and self deception and confirm that she is *congruently* into it, then it's not a risk worth taking. I'm not urging you to go for it.
It's just that, like you say in your next post, you're in what looks like the best case scenario for having kids with her. Not that she's enthusiastic - that isn't worth much. It's that she's not ignoring the problems and is actually addressing them. If you don't look into the option now, it means you shouldn't have been willing to go for it before the break up either (which is fine, sunk cost fallacy and all, it's just nice to be congruent in current beliefs)