She showed up on my doorstep yesterday. Remember how I fliply told her, "Now write me a list of twenty things you're doing to get us to the point of having a kid"? She actually did it. I asked for a twenty-point plan. She gave me thirty. Everything I could possibly ask her to do, plus some stuff I never even thought of. And then a lot of talk about how she wasn't letting me go after nine years without a fight and she doesn't want to live her life without me. I listened until I couldn't listen any more and then I told her to leave. I was in a really bad state.
God, but she can be pretty damn convincing. She's pretty much painting a picture of what my best-case scenario was for us planning to have a kid. It's not totally ridiculous pie-in-the-sky stuff ("Oh my God I just realized turns out I totally want to make babies, how funny is that?"), she clearly acknowledges all her reservations and concerns, and then tells me exactly how she intends to go about addressing them.
Dammit, where was all of this two days ago? Two days ago I would have heard all this and been overjoyed. No amount of naysaying in the comments here could have convinced me that it was anything other than the turnaround I've been pushing for. Now I hear it and keep thinking, "It took me leaving to get to this. If I go back and she backslides and becomes negative and unproductive again, I can't just up and leave every time that happens."
She says she's not proud of how she's been acting the past two months, but that I've had thirty years of thinking about kids and she's only had two months and that she HAS made progress in those two months. And that's true enough. Two months ago it was, "I'd consider maybe adopting in about ten years. Make a baby with my uterus? No way." Now it's, "You're right, I'll never want kids the way you do, where I have to have them no matter what my situation is. I don't want 'kids,' I want OUR kid." Apparently she's been reading pregnancy books. I didn't know that.
She says she's not happy about the way this is starting either, but sometimes life isn't perfect. She points to my nephew, who is a beautiful healthy happy 2-year-old with loving doting deliriously happy parents who are expecting their second in January, and who is also the result of a broken condom.
She's got an appointment on Monday to switch from her heavy hormonal cocktail no-period birth control pill to an IUD that gives a much smaller dose of hormones, no estrogen, and regular periods every month. It was something we were going to do anyway to see if it improved her moods and libido, and the appointment happened to roll around while all this other stuff has been going on. Not sure how or whether that changes anything. Optimism Hamster is optimistic. Tired Pessimistic Doesn't-Want-To-Deal-With-Any-Of-This-Any-More Ben sighs and wonders if it's just another red herring.
I find myself thinking, obviously I can't just drop this and move back home because she wrote me a pretty email and made some promises. That would make me the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Oh, Ben wasn't getting his way so he threw a tantrum and ran away until it was too cold and lonely and then he turned around and went home.
But, what if I gave us some time apart to try to calm down, with as little contact as can be arranged, and then check in with her in another two or three months? See if she's still following through with her thirty-point plan. See if she's still feeling positive about kids without me hovering over her shoulder and pushing my agenda. See if the BC changes have had any effect on her moods. And in the meantime, continue running my MAP, focus on improving myself and getting to know myself and who I am in and of myself, without her. Try to kick the one-itis in hopes that when I come back around to check in on her in a couple months, I can judge where she's at with a little bit more perspective.
I don't know, is there something to that, or is that just my stupid traitor man-Hamster trying to give me false hope?
I am so sorry. even tho I kinda saw it coming....But the writing iS on the wall..she only said this stuff to keep you. I get that, I don't even blame her. But her having a kid to keep you is a recipe for all kinds of disaster.
ReplyDeleteSTAY AWAY.
I realize you already know this, but I think it bears repeating and is probably something you should keep at the forefront of your mind as you make your next move.
ReplyDeleteEven if she is now, or in a few months will be, in a position where she is willing to have children, you are both going to go into it knowing that this ultimatum was what provoked everything. If she ends up enjoying motherhood, that won't matter. However, if her initial instincts were correct, and she is aversive and resentful about the whole thing, it is going to be incredibly painful for your entire family.
If you stay away, that means a lot of pain for both of you right now in exchange for a relative guarantee that your children will not be raised by a mother that didn't really want to have them. If you believe that she is sincere and you stick around, you are both guaranteed to avoid a lot of pain right now, and it might work out perfectly fine, but you are potentially jeopardizing the happiness and well-being of your future family.
As you've been saying, that is a big risk to take for "maybe". And even if she eventually says "yes" out loud, you won't know if it's out of genuine desire or because of the ultimatum, especially after her ambivalence pre-you-moving-out. So as far as you will be able to tell, even a seemingly enthusiastic yes is still a maybe.
Trust me, my Hamster is spinning a mile a minute. If ever there were a man sorely in need of being reminded of a few things that you "realize [he] already know[s]," it's me. So no offense taken whatsoever.
DeleteHey Ben - been following your story from the beginning.
ReplyDeleteI'm a recently divorced father of 3. From experience, I can tell you that being a parent is hard enough when both parents are fully engaged and work as a team. It is exponentially harder when you have to do it yourself.
You can't convince your way to having a kid. Some people just aren't meant to be parents. They don't have that reproductive need. They make great aunts/uncles, but horrible parents.
My advice as a fellow (reformed) Nice Guy - keep doing your own thing. Drop the one-itis. Stop thinking about a future with her. Improve yourself.
I've read most of the comments. They are spot on. You are better off ending this relationship and finding someone who is begging (not convinced) to carry your spawn.
Best of luck.
-Walt
Something that could help is asking her what she would do if after having the kid you die. Drastic I know but she is working from a frame of keeping you but not about her own feelings about motherhood having her to actually raise the kid alone if the occasion arise might be a wake up call. Again I think she is bullshiting herself as much as she is bullshiting you. She needs some reality, YMMV.
ReplyDelete