Taking Stock of the Good Things

I'm in a place today where I could stand to take stock of some of the good things about my life.

1.)  I'm still young and healthy.

I'm 30.  By general human standards I'm in pretty good shape.  By fatass lazy American standards I'm pretty much Adonis.  (-:  I have no chronic health problems.  I can do things like lifting weights and hiking and rollerblading, things that feel good and are good for me.  I've learned to shop healthy and cook healthy so that I can eat healthy.  And I've got a good enough natural metabolism that I can even cheat a little bit now and then without blowing the whole thing.

2.)  I've got a decent job and no debt.

If I had things to do over again, I would've done them differently career-wise.  Specifically, I would've chosen a career instead of getting a worthless liberal arts degree and futzing around in a half-dozen go-nowhere crap jobs during my twenties.

Still, things could be worse.  And in this economy, a LOT worse.  I took a new job last spring, I get forty hours a week Mon-Fri, weekends off, full benefits, paid vacation, paid sick leave, all that good stuff.  They're grooming me for a promotion when one of my coworkers retires in the next few years that will be even better.  Do I wish I made more?  Sure.  But I can't complain about what I have either.  I'm supporting myself and pulling my own weight, with enough left over to have a little fun.

3.)  I'm surrounded by family and friends.

I've got a nice little safety net for myself here, both pragmatically and emotionally.  If my apartment caught on fire and I were homeless tomorrow, I can think of a half-dozen places just off the top of my head where I could crash until I got back on my feet.  When I'm going through some heavy shit, as I have been the last little while and will continue to be for the next little while, there are plenty of places I can turn for a sympathetic ear.  Not everyone can say that.

4.)  I have no kids.

I know this is pretty funny to say considering that I'm the guy who wants kids so bad he's currently screwing up his courage to end a nine-year relationship over it, but there is something to be said for the luxury of being able to put myself first.

5.)  I have the last nine years under my belt.

Again, pretty funny to say considering that I'm talking about leaving it all behind, but as hard as it got sometimes, I can't bring myself to regret a thing about those years.  They're what made me the man I am today, and I happen to kind of like that man.

And the hell of it is, until I dropped the kids bomb on things, following Athol Kay's MMSL blog and books and running the MAP really was doing a pretty nice job turning things around sexwise.  This summer was pretty much the happiest we've ever been together, certainly since we moved in together.  And I can't help but think that if I managed to cut through all the hangups (not just hers, either, not by a long shot) that were holding us back-- with some help and direction from the occasional Kiwi sex guru, of course-- then I can do anything.

All right.  That's my optimism-bomb for myself.  Tonight is our last couples' counseling session together.  I've run the conversation through my head a dozen different ways, and I don't see any way that it ends with us still together.  And I don't mean that in a Phase 5 "physically present but checked out" way, but in a Phase 7 "my Dad has the spare bedroom ready while I look for a one-person apartment" way.  This is going to suck.  Wish me luck.