She did her bridal shower, I did Risk night with friends. Risk turned into cards and beer and pizza. She got home while this was going on, I invited her to join us, she declined. Eventually the friends cleared out, I cleaned up a little and got into bed. She came to bed and started reading. I had reached that familiar crossroads: I could either wake up enough for sex, or crash. So I asked her if she wanted some sex. I wasn't particularly Alpha and attraction-create-y about it, I'm afraid, but what can I say, I was tired. She gave me mixed signals, said she might be interested but really wanted to read her book for a while. (And not in a flirty "talk me into sex" way.)
I decided that "maybe" means "yes," shook the sleep off, and playfully told her, "Okay, no problem, you can read your book. You do what you want and I'll do what I want" and started getting grabby. I figure either she gets into it and puts the book down or gets annoyed and gives me an actual "no" instead of this hard-to-get shit.
Well, she put the book down and got into it. (-: There was some last-last-minute resistance when she interrupted me partway through the foreplay process to tell me she was irritated by my shower shenanigans earlier in the day and that she'd been interested in some sex earlier that evening but I'd filled the house full of guys and pizza. I didn't explain or justify or apologize, just let her get it out of her system and then went back to work. That seemed to be all she needed, just to get it out of her system. Sex was good, no pain, no trouble reaching orgasm for either of us.
Every once in a while, not often mind you, but every once in a while, I could swear I'm getting the hang of this.
We did talk about her "irritation" with me the next day; I played it reasonably cool, told her that I know I come on strong sometimes, I'm still searching for the right balance, and it's good of her to be patient with me. Didn't apologize, just explained that. She said she knew that being annoyed that I was hanging with my friends right when she happened to want sex was immature, it was just how she felt in the moment. I told her it was good that she realized that and was wiling to work through it so we could get back to having fun mutually-orgasmic sex. Felt like we left that talk in a good place.
Sunday morning we had brunch with the family, saw a bunch of my nephew. I swear he jumps 10 IQ points every time I see him. His vocabulary has exploded, he's got everyone's name (or at least a toddler-talk variation) down, plus colors, plus a dozen each of his favorite foods and games, plus "poop" for when he needs his diaper changed. He'll be ready for potty training soon; my sister and bro-in-law are excited about that.
These little things called "children" are amazing. And you say the way you get them is by having sex? Dude. Sign me up.
Sunday afternoon I smoked my friends in poker. I'd love to credit the victory to my amazing skills, but the truth is, I was just on a card rush. It's not hard to play well when you never show down anything worse than a three of a kind and every flush and straight draw comes in (and brings with it an opponent with an ever-so-slightly lower flush or straight who's only too happy to get into a betting war).
Since poker got out early, L and I went out to dinner again. She seemed pretty quiet and distracted all night, and then before bed when I offered her some more of that good sex she said she "wasn't in a good place emotionally" for it. I resisted the Beta urge to ask her what was wrong; if it's something I need to know, she'll tell me. If I had to hazard a guess, it probably had something to do with seeing me have so much fun with my nephew and knowing that this kids thing isn't going to go away. I think she's still feeling pretty conflicted about the whole thing.
It's still a dark cloud hanging over everything we do, and eventually we're going to have to deal with it, but I'm trying to take things one day at a time and enjoy life as much as possible. Trying not to avoid the topic with her, but not obsess about it either. It seems to be working well enough for now.